Sometimes, believe it or not, I fall into deep thoughts. Not for long amount of times, but for example when I ride home from work at 5 am on a Sunday morning, or when I suddenly have an hour “free”, an hour which was intended to something specific that suddenly got cancelled.
Most of the times when this happens I get worked up and start panicking. I start doubting my choice of education, my choices of how to spend my time, my choice of things to put interest into. What if I never get a job? What if I grow up alone and unhappy? What if I’m wasting my youth on trying to grow up to fast? What if?! Everyone else seems to be way more organised than what I am, and they still seem to have more fun than what I’m having. My chest fills up with stress, I can feel it taking over, and all the things I need to get done blurs into one big cluster of things which becomes even harder to control.

Breathe. Breathe. And again.
This reaction is actually quite normal for me. Since I was very young I have always had this “obsession” with doing a good job, and being accepted. I applied this obsession to school, sports, friends, and other interest, always feeling that if I didn’t make it to at least the top ten, I was a disappointment. At one point I started getting a rash on my back and on my arms that would appear all of a sudden, for then disappearing just as quickly. The doctor did tests on the normal things, checking if it was an allergy for cats, dogs, carrots, fish etc. He never found anything, I just always noticed it when I hadn’t slept properly for weeks, and worked to hard on different arenas.
The result of this wish to do well in everything led to a few different things. First of all, I did get good grades. I also became a really good handball player (european handball), got elected to regional teams and got to play against the best in my age level. The consequences were that I had way less time for fun and friends, and today I regret this as I probably could have a better relationship with many people. When it comes to the sport part, I ended up pushing myself so far that i ruined my legs, possibly forever. I’m sure everyone who knows me has seen me walking around in but-ugly runners at school, so if you’ve been wondering, the explanation is that my legs hurt if I wear flat shoes for a long amount of time.

In action, yeah!

So this has been an extremely depressing entry hey. The reason I wrote it down is because I’m surprised to see that I’m falling back into that habit. For the last few years I’ve become better at looking at these things with not to much importance, after all, I’m only 20 and I can’t win every time. No one expects me to either. I have been more focused on doing what feels right for me, instead of putting to much effort into impressing others.
So why do I now carry this stress lump in my chest again? Maybe I need a reality check, something to calm me down and make me realise that life is a sea of time and opportunities.  Please send chocolate and orange juice so I don’t loose it.