Just Coz

I just had the worst interview of my life.

Fair enough, I was hungover, unenthused, and couldn’t care less if I got the job or not. No scratch that. I actually didn’t want to get a job. I didn’t want any jobs to do with anything.
In that process though, I think…i think I found my soul.

I know what I want to do now. And I know what I don’t want to do. And what to do about that.

I think I want to make films again.

And the showcase…if I had the energy to rave about it I would. I’m still in shock it’s all over. No more bonza, the tex, fellow comm-medians. I will rave, but later.

Before I embark on what is most likely to be my final self assessment, might I just say what a year it has been indeed. I think singlehandly, I have learnt, grown, laughed, cried, neglected, stalked, emailed, and brokendown more times than I have the last 5 years of my life. Though a lot of this is thanks to production project, MI 2 has also had its moment, too.

I’ve never been a good liar, so there’s no point in me lying in this post, hence I’ll just come out and say it. Yes, I do feel like this post is ironic, and a waste of time in more ways than one. Why? Because frankly, less than half the year level really deserve to give themselves a pass for the amount of work they have put into MI day and the showcase. Because about a handful of people carried this year level, barely staggering across the finish line. I was amazed we even pulled off “The Next Step”, seeing how many of us didn’t even turn up on the day due to piss poor excuses. That having said, there’s no blame here. I guess there just wasn’t enough work to do for some groups, and too much work to do for others.

I can’t say I’m surprised. From a personal point of view, in the end I probably did the exact amount of work I had set out for myself. Was it good work? No, it was far from it. I knew how hard it was going to be for me to balance pp with MI this semester, so I was realistic about how much I was going to acheive in this subject, which compared to last semester was not very much. I’m very dissappointed with myself in that regard, but I guess in the end it’s about priorities. I saw PP as a huge learning curve, creatively and technically. And I saw MI as an opportunity to learn about practicality, reality, the industry as a marketplace, and where we stand in that colosseum.

To view my contract from earlier on in the semester, click here.

Contribution and Collaboration

MI DAY

I was part of the scheduling group for the “next step”. As I stated in my contract, I never saw myself as having a huge input into the day as it clashed (badly) with our shoot week for pp. Nevertheless, I wanted to use it as another chance to further enhance my cold calling and presentation skills to people in the industry.

Even though I didn’t end up finding any guests that came to the day, I did manage to make contact with “high profile” guests, who couldn’t make it in the end due to clashing schedules and being out of the country. These people include Rachel Perkins, Fred Schepisi, Tony Ayres, and Jonathan M Shiff.

It was also an opportunity to see the ins and outs of organising and delegating work to a large group of people. We could only meet during MI class once a week, and we spent most of that just recapping what everyone did for the week, which in hindsight was a mistake. I can say without a doubt though, our group put the discussion board to great use, with constant communication and strands happening at the one time. Our team leader, Dylan, did a great job in trying to get everyone to have something to do. But in the end, without people following up on tasks, it proved impossible. It was a valuable lesson in seeing how larger organizations must run their workforce effectively.

Showcase/ Grad Blog

My role was to help Nicole set up the grad blog. Again, I think there were far too many people in this group, so only three of us ended up doing anything. I joined this group hoping I’d have a bigger role, but sadly that was not the case.

Having missed a couple of the meetings due to work, I tried pitching a few ideas via email regarding the questions and format of the blog. My concern was that it wasn’t very appealing due to the number of apparent facebook-holics and dwell within our year level, but nothing could be done about it. In the end, I stuck with a role I know well- the technical role.

Proactive Learning

MI DAY

Realising I needed to familarise myself with the main players in film/tv in melbourne, I borrowed out the Encore Directory, and went through name by name in the producers and directors section, eliminating names and highlighting possible guests. Though it was a cruel and dull job, it was an effective way of learning the names of people & production houses, as well as introducing myself to them.

I then wrote down their contact details and ended up with a final list. This was then cross checked on the net with their websites, just so I had more background info. Before emailing/calling them, I borrowed out books as well as googled articles on the net about cold-calling/emailing, and presentation skills. Probably a touch overzealous, I looked at this task as preparing myself for post-degree, not just for MI.

Showcase/ Grad Blog

Hard to say, as a lot of this learning happened on the job, or I already had the skills for. It’s rather satisfying, to know that you are already capable to doing some simple online technical stuff after three year.

I did google and have a look at other grad blogs around the world to see their set-out, blurbs, and design, just to see how ours compared. This came in handy when I had to write the “welcome” page on the grad blog itself.

Participation

Mi Day

I tried my best looking for and inviting “top gun” guests, but failed miserably (as noted above). As I shamed myself into feeling useless and lazy in terms of the MI day, I tried to make up for it the days leading up to the event, and on the day itself. I put my hand up when the wine needed to be picked up from St Kilda, as well as re-formatting and editing the bio sheets for all of the guests. The bios were ultimately used by Lehia and Caffa when hosting the event. Also, despite me not actually being part of the production group, I also helped out with picking up, packing up, and dropping off of equipment on the day.

I feel rather petty claiming these as part of my participation, but having said that, there almost just wasn’t enough for everyone to have a big role in, and I feel satisfied that I at least actively looked for work that needed to be done.

Showcase/ Grad Blog

ONce Nicole had set up the blog with all the page ready to go, she handballed off to me the rest- ie the lovely job of sneaking up on people and saying “smile!”. Not as nice as it sounds. I was quite ready to breaking some bones when I heard my third moan of “no not today but I have pimples”. Still, I managed to get the majority of the year level, with the rest promising they will upload their own pics, or else give me their first born.

I then came in one sunday and spent an alarming amount of time color-grading, image scaling, compressing, then uploading everyone’s pictures to their profiles and ensuring they look nice. A lot of that maybe a waste of time, as people still have to write on their profiles.

I also wrote the welcome page to the grad blog. This process caused me a great deal of stress as I was tired, slightly hungover, and dealing with the emotional end of our shoot when I wrote it. I also didn’t want people to judge my words, because people do. Kids are cruel sometimes.

Overall Connections/Intersections

As lovely as it would be for me to say I found a job out of all this, that is sadly not the case. I think MI2 has been a great dose of reality, and a further kick in the pants that I am not special. I realised that it doesn’t matter how great my work is, how good my skills are at something- no one’s going to come knocking on my door unless I tell them who I am so many times til their ears bleed. Throughout the process of looking for guests,  it provided me with this very opportunity- ie I told them who I am, and what I wanted. At the same time, I started sending introductory emails out to people I met on work experience, or people and places I’ve admired in the past. This is all something I wish I had gotten off my arse and done earlier, but at least I have done it. I’ve been surprised at the level of response I’ve had back, and have a couple of strong leads. I can say now, confidently, I’ve kicked my fear of making a bad first impression. Sometimes, being who I am just has to be enough, and I’m glad I used MI to discover that level of confidence.

Final grade: 75% (D)

I think we’ve just finished our film.

For the showcase anyway.

I feel weird. This will be the last film I work on for a while. At least one that I wrote/directed/designed/edited.

I realised I’m far more visual and aural than I realised. I can see exactly what I want and hear what I want in my head. Timings, patterns, rhythm. It’s really important to me. Call it OCD. This is probably why I enjoy post far more than pre-production. Cause it’s all about timing. Feelings. Moments. When to let things go, and when to say goodbye.

I’m happy with the performances with actors. I do think I was lucky that we had actors who could act. Unlike some people, I don’t think they were overdramatic. Because the film overdramatic, the performances matched our visuals. I do wish I can find a way to directing actors without insulting them. Sometimes I just find it hard talking to other people. And on set, I wish the only thing I had to worry about was dealing with actors, rather than catering, time, and whether or not the lighting was right and our film loaded properly. But like I said, I do get carried away with making sure it LOOKS exactly as how I imagined it. I HATED not having a video split. That’s all I can say.

I’m sick of negativity about this project. We did the best we could. I just need to learn to communicate better. and not sulk when I don’t get it.

Corrie’s tired now.

When I was at school, at the end of every year we had something called “Speech night”. Yes, it was every bit as boring as the name suggests. Being the kind of school it was, every year the whole student body will put on a show-band, orchestra, speeches, dramatic acts, and so forth. The grand finale of every night would involved the whole school belting out a tune, famous or infamous. Sometimes it was beethoven, sometimes it was Peter Allen. In year 8, we spent a lot of time rehearsing the words to the opening song of Rent – Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes – how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes – how do you measure a year in the life?

Yeah. Gaybo, I know. Right now though, from where I sit, I can’t help but wonder – how are we meant to measure the paths we’ve taken, the networks we’ve made, the highs and lows, the starts and the ends?

This year has made me into a different person. I was very optismistic at the start of this film- about the industry, about myself, about filmmaking. Though I do miss that sense of freedom, that belief that we could do and write and film anything, I don’t regret the position I’m sitting in now. Realism has settled in, and it’s here to stay. I don’t think I’ve become jaded, but I do think it has taken away some of that feeling of invincibility that naturally comes with being young. The big question now is where do I go from here? There is no way I’ll make it in this industry with the lacklustre enthusiasm I have for me as a filmmaker right now, when there are so many other people perhaps more passionate and talented than I am. I used to be one of those people, and now…I think I’m beyond the point of soul-searching. I think I’m at the point of hard-core drinking.

If there are indeed 525,600 minutes in year, I believe we spent 525,595 minutes on making this film. It is so much more, and so much better than what I could have ever imagined possible at the start of this year (thanks Stephen). However, it is nowhere near as good as what I expected from myself at the start of this semester. I committed the fatal filmmaker’s sin- I put my own ambitions before my actual ability. I forgot that this was my second film, ever. I didn’t understand the hazzards and restrictions of shooting on 16mm (though shooting on film was perhaps the best decision we made). I forgot that I should have been having fun on set, not skulking around like a heffa. Big mistakes, equalling big regrets.

So what did I get right? Well, I got the group dynamics right. The way we worked collaboratively, we deserve an A+. For those people who regret working with friends…I can’t help but feel sympathy, because working with friends, and well, is one of the best experiences I’ve had in this course. I guess our story was good enough. I also quite like the majority of our production design, though the bits I don’t like makes me cringe in my sleep. The music is awesome, not that I can take credit for it cause I didn’t write it, but I’d like to think the pointers I direct them in helped. Oh, and the credits, once I get the scrolling right. There are some shots, designs, that were good in theory. But I just hate myself for saying that in certain shots, when I lost passion and emotion, I was really just going through the motions of calling “action” and “cut”. Though I don’t have the abilities of a director yet, sometimes I certainly act like a director- that is, I constantly need reassurance that I made a good decision, that I didn’t just fuck up our film. Hmm.
Right now I’m at a loss. I can’t even begin to try and decide what I’ll do with myself after this. I know, somewhere deep deep down, this year has been the best of the degree. But it has just sucked all belief and passion out of me. And I know myself well enough to say that I can’t make anything good without those two essential ingredients. So is this what I want to do? No. Yes. No. Yes. And it goes on. This must be why creative professionals take drugs and go insane after a while, if they’re as plagued by self-hate and self-doubt as much as I am.

A big thank you to all that helped us along the way- our lovely crew, Paul, Stephen. Despite our sarcasm and bickering through the production process, this is a short film to be proud of, if only for the amount of ourselves we put in.

In many ways, I almost think it’s too early to look back on this year in retrospect. The film’s not finished, the showcase still to come, the career’s barely started. Perhaps, in a year’s time I’ll be ready to reflect properly.

In the meantime?

That’ll do, pig.

Yawn.

 Our PP website is well underway. Check it out.

www.alasturia.com 

Now, just who do we hand this in to, cause I don’t think Stephen knows anything about it…

 Someone please crack my back after sitting in this stupid computer chair all day. Oh how I miss my pillow. Harriet if you’re reading this, please bring it to uni one day, for the love of god.

So here we are, at the end of three very long short years, close to the finale of our production project.

Huh.

In many ways, this film is suppose to be the accumulation of three years of learning, hoping, dreaming, thinking. I guess in that respect, I can be happy with the final result, whatever it may be. People have said that it looked amazing, but I guess everyone always say that about stuff on 16mm.

It’s been a long year, and even longer semester. Occasionally, I still get the burning desire to put everything I can and more into this project. But generally, after a while, the fire is starting to burn out. Burn all out.

We’re still shooting. Well, one more shoot to go. Then we have approx 2 days to finish our film by friday. Apparently. I’m glad we chose to do a few pick ups. I know people always harp on about wide shots and coverage, and it was definately a mistake we made. But I HATE wide shots. I just hate it. It’s ugly.

We had a good script, good ideas, good team-collaborating experience. I just don’t feel like I actually did anything, if you know what I mean. I don’t feel like I contributed in any relevant way to this film. Like, it could be been shot without me, and better.

Editing has been an eye-opening experience, yet again. I don’t think I’ll ever write, direct and edit my own film again in the one hit. Well a) I don’t think I’ll ever get that much creative control over a film again, and b) I can no longer tell what’s good, and what’s not. It’s much harder to judge pace, when to slow things down and speed things up, to be brutal and to be melodic.

We’ve still got a long way to go in a short amount of time. I feel like we’ve been under the pump so much all semester I don’t feel stressed anymore. Our score, website, sound design, color correction, still need to be done. We had some good laughs along the way at least, and I take comfort from the fact I can work in a group situation, with friends. I’ve also half discovered what kinda of films I’m into, or would be making if I get the chance. I’m into surreal stories, abstract shots and production design. Naturalistic stuff isn’t something that comes naturally to me, or something I want to be doing. I think I want to challenge audiences by taking a theme or story that is instantly recognisable, but situated in a world that is not. That is perhaps a reflection of my past and upbringing, because nothing about my life is very common or familliar. Surreal is good.

I don’t know if directing is something I’ll get to do ever again. I don’t think I did a good job, or that I’m very good at it. I want to do something I’m good at. I really wish I was better at it. Maybe it takes practise, maybe it takes experience and education. Or maybe, it’s just an innate ability that I lack.

Overall I think our film will be ok. Not perfect, but good enough for me to know I did do my best. Who knows where that’ll get me.

Funny how opportunities come up when you least expected…from an area where you least expect it. It again proves my theory about how no one wants you until someone wants you, then everyone wants you. If you know what I mean. Now I just have to wait for an answer that may define the next ten years of my life. Will I be a tortured, dying artist starving for my “art”, or will I be a successful sell out. Both are unappealing, methinks. I’ll probably end up with nothing.
When your looking for a job…PP feels so far away. Thank god.

check out daniels blog on compressing for website. “Online Video”.

use cyberduck. Fugu sucks balls

aim for 30mg size wise

make quicktime window the size we actually want for website- recommends blip tv not youtube
size box:tick current

bit rate and stuff wise- tech specs on daniel’s blog. raws.adc.rmit.edu.au/~e67033/blog2

after compression- always check through whole film for quality. Then upload to blip.tv (better quality and sizing. More control)

Create poster in quicktime, compress using photoshop. Then upload file to blip tv. Use poster as thumbnail.

People can download original compressed video through blip.tv. Copy and paste embed tag from blip into blog.

Go into users tab, turn off visual editor- so can put html striaght into post.

Create new pages in write page. ie “Short Film”. Can also dictate size and everything in post. No need pagot and all that jazz.

If one more person tells me how tired I look, I swear I will go right ahead and scratch out your eyes.

 Our little beast of a film is trotting along, though perhaps not happily. As we’ve been down a group member over the past week, Jo and I have been doing our best not to be bombarded with the amount of work we must sift through before this film is complete. This however, is probably cause of our own stupid expectations. Do I ask too much from myself and others? Probably, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. And also, we’ve put too much money, time, and neglect of loved ones to stop half heartedly now.

Progres…have booked RMITV studio for pick up shoot. Heard from ENE hospital that we CAN shoot in the tunnel (no one except jo and jess will have any idea what I’m talking aobut. It’s this PSYCHEDELIC neverending tunnel that we’ve been fighting for since july). That’s all taking place…next weekend. Fuck me good. There’s so much to do, I feel bad when I take time out to shower and go to the loo.

 ADR and V/O and further elaborate sound design next week. Our session with Ann was good. I wanted her to really rip us to bits and slag the film off, just for a reality check we haven’t had yet. Well, she didn’t slag us off, but my favorite quote from her for the night will have to be her (whilst scrolling through a certain lingering shot of our film) “boring, boring boring boring…annnnd I’m bored.” Excellent. Luckily our picture edit was already pretty tight, so we could spend more time with her on how to utilize editing to bring out certain aspects of our story and emotions, rather than wasting time chatting about what shots to use instead.

 We also had our rough cut on monday. It was so great seeing what everyone’s worked on. I witnessed the cuts of “The musical” (quirky, artistic, and great little tunes), “Ruined Sandcastles”(some beatiful shots), and “Habitat”(will be a really fun, short piece). Everone’s was quite fantastic, especially knowing how much work everyone’s put in. Seriously, the showcase night will blow everyone away, I can just feel it. Another thing is everyone’s story and genre is so different, you really can’t compare one with the other. I think at the end of this, I’ll just cry. From tiredness, relief, happiness?

 So what’s next?

The more editing I do, the more I remember how much I actually enjoy it. Career path? Who knows. It’s probably more to do with the fact that I’m a control freak and want to have a say in every single tiny part of my film. IT’s strange, but considering how attached I should be to the script and image, I find myself having no qualms about cutting out and jumbling scenes and deviating from the original script. I should try editing someone else’s film/script when I’ve had nothing to do with their production, and see how I feel about that.

Right now though… we’re planning a pick-up shoot, to take place some time in the next two weeks hopefully. Why? Though the footage we’ve got so far will get us a pretty good film, “pretty good” is not good enough in corrieland. Or jessland. Therefore we’re doing some pick-ups, inserting some extra dialogue scenes, and perhaps even a new ending to the film. Secretly, I’m pretty stoked with how it’s going. Despite my earlier discontent directly after seeing our film, taking a day off worked wonders, and I stopped hating it. After a while of doubting my own talentless ass, I just thought, alright so I made some mistake, I know what they are now, I can see the goal, I just need to move on and do it. So I have. Let me have my moment of optimism, and eat it too.

If our pick ups go well…well, all’s well that ends swell.